Thoughts on Hooking Up

Here’s a journal entry back when I was on the hype of hooking up with random guys I liked. Perhaps some of you might relate to the drill.

November 21, 2012

So another hot and wild hookup has passed. Dude, he has one of the most gorgeous body I have slept with and for that night, we worshiped each other’s cock and cum in each other’s mouth. I never thought it could feel that good. He sucked liked there’s no tomorrow. And I licked every inch of his godlike body. Man, those long and hungry torrid kisses were so damn literally breathtaking.

It felt good. It was fun. It was actually a lot of fun. But the whole day made me think how lonely hookups can be. You are both craving for each other’s manhood and slept together like partners for a few hours of rubbing skins but then the next day, you find yourself single again, wanting for that same horny feeling to last. And man, you know it’s superficial. It’s not even skin deep. After fucking, you take a bath and the scent and the taste go with the shower.

After feeling sad, you go online again. And look for someone you can sensibly talk to. Conversation goes hot. You two become horny. You text. One invites the other and the cycle goes on.

The question is, until when will you let this conquer your life?

I never expected that someone would actually take me seriously after all the mess I have put in my life. To share a lesson, relationship is a continuous mutual effort. On my part, I stopped every means of getting tempted to sleep with other guys.

Some of you might say, “Dude, why not just stop if you really mean to?” Well, I didn’t feel I had to. All I knew then was I had to feed my curiosity and let the past experiences as a child keep me yearn for sex. It was not the virus that made me quit but my willingness to make a relationship work. When you decide, things will follow… And with that, I mean deciding consistently, every single day.

Right After SET

I was ok. In fact, when I learned I was positive January 31st of this year, I didn’t weep. Not that I kinda expected it but somehow, the turn of events during that week emotionally and spiritually prepared me for the big news. Holding the envelop, the first thing I did was call my best friend, a straight military man whom I consider my closest brother, maybe not by blood but by soul. He was worried to bits but he let me speak whatever I had to say. I was pretty sure he had a very slight idea where I got it but he did not ask any questions that would make me feel uncomfortable. The last time we talked about my (then) tendencies was in 2010. No, I am not out.

The culprit was not any social networking site but the unsettled issues I kept for so long. Could have I told my best friend that something I feared happened again, I must have not thought of seeking comfort and answers from random anonymous strangers back in January of 2012. This is a common formula for HIV patients nowadays. Voila! I felt strangely unhealthy by August.

This post is not about how I got it or whatever dramatic baggage I used to have back then. My first post aims to share with you how my life had more meaning and sense through my diagnosis. Learning how life should be lived purposefully and optimistically is the greatest gift this condition has brought me.

No this is not your typical drama series sort of blog about the virus. In fact, my goal is to make an account of how things are turning out better now that I have this gift.

Today, April 21, as I go home from our Self-Empowerment Training (SET), I feel better. I have always learned to look at the brighter side of things all my life but sure enough, I never thought my perspective would be broader, clearer and happier because of this weekend.

So hang on there and let me attest to the beauty of life.

This was a post from a previous blog I started right after attending SET. No posts were published after so I guess I will just share this message with you to encourage you to join a SET weekend if you are one of us and still hesitant to share it to people who can actually help you emotionally, spiritually and psychologically (even financially at some point).

Tenth Month

It’s another spaghetti time. We just celebrated our tenth month as a couple tonight. My partner spent extra hours in the office as usual. Yet he made sure the rest of our special night will be all about communication – verbal and non-verbal. It was ecstatic, if you know what I mean.

I love the way everything is getting better for us. You know you’re on the right track when in the middle of all the vagueness and sometimes, arguments, you just see that one clear thing – he, us.

I have always told myself that have I met him earlier, I would have not succumbed to the mistreatment I have enjoyed from my own self. But, as he always reminds me, things happen for a reason. Honestly, I never believed it until the day I met him and decided I will nurture whatever relationship may come up between us. I was lucky enough, he liked me too. It was even unexpected when he fell in love with me right after learning about my health condition. There was a line from him that clings steadfastly in my thoughts, “So what if someone has it or not?” True enough, rarely has it become an issue.

I am done with all the sexual experiments. He is the complete opposite. The thought of sleeping with another man other than his partner sounds like a terrible nightmare for him. I am the third man he loves and for the record, he always had long relationships. If you ever heard about the term introversion, you would understand how he wants to focus all of himself to that one person. And I, even though I can claim myself as a good househusband now, am still guilty of the reality – I am wasted. He couldn’t enjoy the best sex with me. And for sure, I am not worthy. Yet, he never makes me feel that way – never.

He is my first boyfriend. I have been linked to some girls before and I still get jealous sometimes when I see other guys with their gorgeous girlfriend or wife, especially with a baby. I still like girls a lot. He knows it. But as my bestfriend, who happens to be a straight guy, said, “Whether this one lasts or not, the important thing is you do not escape it this time.”

I love my life partner with all my heart. And there is no doubt he loves me just the same. And while at this point this seems like a perfect bliss, I can say that the words bliss, now and forever are just the same.

Man, it’s not even Valentine’s Day and I’m mushy. My wildest imagination did not give any idea that a love like this would come at the most unexpected time. I could not even remember any noteworthy act that I have done to deserve this kind of love. Whatever this is, God, thank you for giving me more than just enough.

Image credit: Guillaume Paumier

First Year of My New Life

A friend said that he’s not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing to remember this day. It was his reply with my news about my special spaghetti recipe which I prepared for my first year with the virus. Waiting for my life partner to pass by the apartment to dine with me, I was eager enough to text a few people who know about my secret. Yes, I celebrate the day just as how I celebrate my birthday.

A year ago, I seemed to have been born again when the white envelope was opened and the truth stroke me in astonishment. How can I forget that moment? Everything was negative except that single line indicating the three letters.

Right now, it is no longer surreal for me. It is indeed happening and I am given this gift for a unique kind of purpose in this world. And as far as I can remember, things started to organize themselves right after that evening. It was a painful process in the beginning but eventually made things easier for me to handle. I cannot even imagine how my life would have changed if not for this gift.

In the coming weeks, my partner will be going to his fourth testing ever. I cannot thank God enough for the gift of another chance to really live this life to the fullest for the people who are most important. Yes, I was once among those boys who thought that “Carpe Diem” means doing everything you want, whenever you want it. Now, I finally learn, through the hard way though, that living life to the fullest is treating it with utmost importance for the people who will be greatly affected by my every decision and letting my life experience real happiness out of self-respect and self-love rather than pretentious quick fix to boredom.

From now on, I will be celebrating three important dates in my life: First is the day I was born; Second is the day I became a Catholic Christian; And third is the day I was given this second chance to correct the mistakes that have been dragging me down for a long time.

amDg+